I don't know what miserable luck brought you here, but if you wanna explore the colorful inner dialectics of an obnoxious, insufferable, jumbled up, anhedonic not to mention socially awkward geek, jump in.
Welcome...I think!
I'm here; I'm always here I don't sleep; I can't sleep I hear them; I always do I don't talk much; they don't listen anyway I always see; but never judge
I'm a gentle whisper within a thunderstorms I'm an ancient idea a newborn forgets at birth I'm the ultimate truth on the caves of their minds I'm a sacred script collecting dust on a stand I'm the inner light of a psychopath
I officiate their ceremonies and conduct their rituals. I erase their ignorance and baptize their thoughts I indulge their weakness and forgive their arrogance. I hear their confessions and absolve their sins. I heal their wounds and cure their sickness.
أوبااااا؛ طب ما كان من بدري. كنت دايماً بستعرب ليه مازنجر بيستني للأخر عشان يستخدم اﻷشعة البنفسجية ويخلص.
كبرت شوية و في حصص الرسم كنت أخلط أحمر علي أزرق في البتاعة البلاستيك البيضة يطلع بنفسجي. ماكنتش بفهم ده أحمر مزرق ولا أزرق محمر. و حتي لما ابتديت أقرا فلسفة - اللي أمي بتقول انها لحست دماغي - الحكاية وسعت مني حبتين. كنت دايماً بقف قدام اللون ده زهلول. مزيج غريب بين نقاء الأزرق و توهج اﻷحمر، رقي الروح و شهوة الجسد، هدوء النبع و انفجار البركان، ضحكة بت مكسوفة و ابتسامة أرملة بعد بكا سنين. مش غريبة أنه آخر تردد تقدر عين بشرية تشوفه.
أنا واحد من الناس قدرتي علي تمييز اﻷلوان ماتزيدش كتير عن قدرتي علي تسريح شعر أسماك التونة أو تدريب أنثي الدب القطبي علي الرقص. عمري مافهمت ألوان من نوعية الليلا و البيستاش و السيمون و لحم الهوانم؛ و ممكن حتي عيل في خامسة ابتدائي يقنعني أن المحمحي أو البحلقي ألوان حقيقية. اشمعنا اللون ده يعني اللي فارق؟ مش عارف. مبهج منين ماشوفه؛ شريط في شعر أمورة، جناح فراشة هربانة من الجنة، أو حتي قميص راجل متصابي متعلق بالحياة بشعرة. كل مرة بشوفة بتفائل، و عمره ما خيب ظني
"Of course she did you idiot, she's resting right there on your neck"
I started to panic
My heart keeps pounding the exact same way every time I remember this very first time with her. There's no way she would have missed it.
I remember our first encounter; a friend introduced me to her. One glance was all I needed to know she's special. One glance and I was hooked. My fingers trembled as I touched her for the very first time. I was lucky I had a cover for the heavy breathing and the sweat pouring from my head, it was a hot summer day after all. I couldn't help but move my hand over that full sized hour glass figure of hers. Every tiny curve, that long neck and the longer hair. And her voice; oh, that voice. Her voice drove me crazy every time. Whether it's an enchanting playful note or a hauntingly beautiful low tone, I just fell for it.
Every time I touched one of those ebony keys of hers was like touching one of St. Peter's keys. I thought I held the keys to her heart. I thought I was playing the tune of life, I thought I was strumming the strings of existence, when in reality she was the one seducing me. Like an archer escaping from Greek mythology, a bow was her weapon of choice; and it took just an arrow to domesticate that raging bull. I stole every moment to be with her; just the two of us. I would return right after school to find her waiting for me, in that secluded room.
Then came that double date, the eye opener. I knew at that moment I had to leave her; not because I stopped loving her, I never stopped loving here. I just wasn't good enough for her. I didn't deserve her. I didn't know how to honor here in front of people. Nobody wanted to listen to her when she was with me. She deserved better.
I still do cherish those moments, every single one of them. I still remember her voice. I will never forget her.
I hate romantic comedies, I do. I hate them. Simply hate them. One last time: I HATE THEM
The story lines are so boring. One of them gets attracted to the other who is way out of their league, a complication in between followed by a happily ever after. Some other "creative" plots have the girl (or the guy), falling to the second guy (or girl) who has been secretly in love with her (him) for the whole time, DAH.
Most of them feature second rate talents like Jenifer Aniston (yes she is a lousy actress and her broad jaws just creep me out) and the super cheesy guy MatthewMcconaughey (the guy has just one expression on his face the whole time; I had to google his name to get the spelling right!).
But mostly I hate them cause they are cruel. They give innocent people false hopes that they can land the partner of their dreams if they just be them selves while that significant other has no freaking clue that these people exist in the first place. While few are lucky to land their dream lovers, many end up crushed and dwell forever in the Friendzone where an incredibly decent human being has the romantic equivalence of a door knob or a tea cup.
This post is a tribute to all the decent human beings who got stuck in the freaking zone. Incredibly decent, sweet, kind, good looking and sophisticated people who ended up with "ooooh, that's sweet", "I don't see a future", "I feel no chemistry", "You're someone great", "It's not you, it's me", "It's not me, it's you", "I like you as a friend", "I don't like you that way", "I don't like you", "Go Away", "I'll call the cops", "DAAAAAD", or even got a could shoulder and had their wings burned before they can even try to spread them. I can't use actual names, so I'm gonna stick to fictional characters.
First: The guys who didn't make it out of the zone
3) Sydney Carton
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known." - Sydney Carton's last words
I know, I know; I'm evil. How do I dare to include someone as Sydney Carton in such a list. As a matter of fact, he is one of my all time heroes. I cried the first time I read the ending of " A Tale Of Two Cities" (Yes, guys cry too, judge me, big deal). But think about it, the guy was so friendzoned that he ended up giving his life to save the life of his loved one's lover (it's even weird to write the sentence). While his intentions remain noble and his self sacrifice is an exemplar of a salvific act, he remains one of the zone's pillars.
2) Bane
Yeah he's a super villain and all, yes he lost his face and put his life on the line repeatedly to accomplish her devilish revenge plot. But he was stuck in the zone while she willingly slept with his arch-nemesis (Bruce Wayne), just to progress with her plans. Sorry bro
1) Batman
Yes, Batman, the Dark Knight himself, probably the awesomest most coolest character to exist in fiction (ore reality) got friendzoned. It's true he didn't know about it cause Alfred concealed it, yet the fact that Rachel chose Harvey Dent over him (whatever the reasons are) will always be there
Now for the interesting part, to those who made it out of the zone against all odds. To the hale of fame.
3) Leonard Hofstadter (The Big Bang Theory - TV Show)
It was when the super hot penny moved across the hall from a bunch of super smart geeks that Leonard Hofstader made his famous statement "our kids will be smart and beautiful". After an on and off relationship during which he managed to take her on a date she didn't even know was one, Googled himself into her pants and got left high and dry humiliated in front of his nerd friends; the homunculus genius with extreme mommy issues (show fans will relate) managed to finally land his dream girl. Way to go nerdamigo
2) Dr Niles Crane (Frasier - TV Show)
The super sophisticated doctor finally stole his dream girl from the alter after he failed two of his marriages and an eight year single sided love affair. Talk about perseverance
1) Chandler Bing (Friends - TV Show)
My favorite TV character of all time. A sarcastic self conscious freak who uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism. A bottle of booze and a sad trip to London proved to be the perfect formula to win the perfect girl who lived just across the hall for so long (I'm starting to believe that living across the hall from hot girls is the real thing here)
In a surprising turn of events what started like an unusual comedy blog (at least that's how I intended it to be) has turned into a super girly one.
P: I see you have
finally come to your senses. G: Indeed master
P: Ha, it's been some time. I expected you to come sooner. Are you OK?
S: Well well well; the return of the prodigal son, just like old times.
P: give him a break.
S: why are you defending him old man?
P: he's a great guy.
S: he's a great fool. G: I'm sorry I dragged you into this
S: shut up now; your turn will come
P: show some compassion.
S: do you think I like this?
P: I know you don't; none of us do.
S: I bet he'll tell about what's happening here. And then he'll leave us to
face the music.
P: maybe he's a bit impulsive but he's kind; you know that
S: he's obnoxious, he's insufferable, he's anhedonic, but now I'll add naive to
the list. G: I'm sorry brother...
S: I said shut up
P: at least listen to what he has to say G: I don't have anything to say, I just needed some company
S: super, and now he's crying G: why are you so mean?
S: Did I hurt your feelings princess. Where do I
begin, where do I begin
You challenge when all they need is an answer
You go too deep when a superficial compliment will do
Your train of thought is too complex even for you to follow
You launch full scale military campaigns to chase butterflies
You get carried away in your own crusades, test
the water with both feet and build your castles on the sand
You are too sensitive, maybe to sweet when in reality the kingdom is taken by
force and the bad boy ends up nailing the chick You go all the way, yet you are content with the peanuts thrown at you
Even when you end up writing about this
"big drama" of yours - and I know you will - you will over do it.
Whoever reads it - whoever this miserable wacko might be - will think, that's a
really messed up dude.
G: when did you become
so indifferent? Why are you so bitter?
S: Is this how you see
it? Indifferent? Bitter? Or are you delusional?
You think you can hide an extremely self conscious
naive kid behind a bunch of worn out sarcastic defense mechanisms in a world
swamped with mind games
You think you can sneak like a thief in the
night when all people want is a grand finale
You think if you really want something you'll
find a way to do it; when in reality it's all about walking the existing ways.
You think you can find a banquet where there is only a courtyard.
You think people want freedom when only security
will suffice.
You think that you can rebel against stupid
norms, but soon enough you'll hear the sound of your bones being crushed under the
tradition war machines as they march.
You think people are different, when in reality
they are just different from you
P: ENOUGH
S: Do you think it's
easy for me? being dumped eternally in the same shit hole with this loser
P: you are killing him
S: do you think I like it? don't you see me bleeding?
P: you are killing us
S: he is killing us
P: don't you get it? We are nothing without him. We will cease to exist once
he's gone
G: I'm sorry for your
pain...
S: see, case in point.
Man up, grow a pair. Get out, go lick your wounds somewhere else.
P: you were too harsh,
nothing happened after all
S: He'll get over it,
he's a big boy
P: You didn't have to go
so far?
S: "Nobody realizes
that some people expend tremendous energy merely to
be normal". He's one of those people.
P: You're pushing it way
too far
S: You know
what's interesting about this sucker?
P: That he learns
S: That he doesn't
regret
Have faith old man, he'll not go back to his same idiotic ways.
Sooner than you can imagine, he'll invent new
ones...
"Moemen, stay with me" I shouted as I slapped him across
the face
He opened his eyes momentarily; he was surprisingly heavy for a guy of his
build. Luckily for us we didn't have to hold him for long though. The restroom
was just across the hall, but that nasty step at the end almost got us.
The waiter helped forced his head under a stream of cold water. Mighty shivers
swept his tense body as he began to throw up. Apparently the lemon infused
double espresso Rafik ordered for him was kicking in.
***
"I just can't catch a break, can I?"
She watched as I stormed out of the house. She didn't really know what's gotten
into me. I didn't know either, was it the aftermath of a heated work disputes, a dead
end job or was it just the fact that I was forced to roam the streets in search
for a place with a decent Internet connection to attend a couple of meetings on
a weekend after the cleaning lady sabotaged the main Internet feed. With my
first meeting in half an hour, I had to find a place fast. I ended up in one of
those cafes overlooking the beautiful Alexandrian sea. The place was relatively
crowded given the religious nature of Egyptians in Ramadan. I had to stick by a
really uncomfortable table; it was the only available one next to power socket.
I ordered my regular double espresso.
***
"What’s that, a class attendance?” laughed Bahia mockingly as
a laughing frenzy swept her table.
I continued to read the names from Moemen's contact list one by
one in a slow loud voice in a desperate attempt to find someone to take him
home. An occasional slap every couple of minutes helped keep him awake. He kept
on repeating the name of one of his friends that wasn't there, as a matter of
fact no one was there but Rafik and I; two perfect strangers.
"Leave the poor sucker die, why do you care anyway?" said
Bahia as she made her second appearance.
I couldn't help but look and there she was sitting among her company like a
queen bee; a morbidly obese girl in her early twenties blowing the smoke of her
cigarette. Her pink veil, a floral blouse and a large golden belt showed that
she lacked class but not the purchasing power. It took massive loads of makeup
to hide what appeared like traces of facial hair. She addressed me in an angry tone.
“What are y u looking at?"
***
***
I can't believe it didn't cross my mind, how didn't I think of
calling myself from his phone to save his number? Maybe I was distracted by a
man dying in front of me. Whether I was more confused by his trial to exile
himself to the land of the dead or by his disappointment at his failure to do
so still evades me. Was she worth it? Is she the one pictured with him on his
phone's background or was there another? He was a young, strong, educated
fellow; did he lose even the ability to self deceive himself into living? Or
maybe i was astounded by Bahia's indifference to the feeble human spark about
to be extinguished in front of her very eyes. Her laughs were nothing but a cry
for help against a society that stereotypes as fat or ugly. Maybe she saw in
him what she was afraid to do herself
***
I watched as he struggled to keep his balance as he left the cafe. He refused to let me drive him home. As I left I saw Rafik getting a chocolate
flavored cigarette from Bahia. I never saw any of them again.
